In Spirit
by Jessie Dark
Summary: After Hakkai and Gojyo are poisoned and Gojyo is left crippled hard choices are made Warning Character Death.


Sanzo heard the gun, so close his ears rang, and his eyes watered. Beneath his fingers the pulse, so steady, even in the last seconds, faltered, jumped; then . . . stilled. The life was gone. There was no drama, perhaps a last soft sigh of air, but nothing a psychic would describe. Still Sanzo knew Gojyo was gone. He had died and all that he was in truth was lost. Forever.

Sanzo felt a tremor rush through him and for a moment, his body sagged down onto the lifeless form beneath him. The fingers that lost that pulse shifted and pushed back red hair, as if it could irritate the closed -forever eyes. Sanzo's head fell beside Gojyo and he heard the tumble of voices.

"What happened?"

"Are you guys all right?"

"What got shot?"

"Is Gojyo. . .?"

But then they knew. It was as if the air around them were suddenly full of the absence of one of their own.

"Gojyo?" Goku's voice was lost, confused, begging to be corrected. Sanzo shifted away and turned to the almost-grown man.

Hakkai had grabbed the smaller man and pulled Goku to his chest. The healer buried his face in the tousled hair, his free hand clamping down on Goku's shoulder.

"Sanzo?" Goku stood where he was held, his eyes wide and confused.

Sanzo, realizing he still held the gun, tossed it aside. He sat next to Gojyo and looked at them. What the hell could he, could anyone, say?

"Hakkai?" Goku sounded odd, his voice flat. "Gojyo is dead."

"Yes." Hakkai agreed quietly, lifting his face from Goku's hair.

"How did he get your gun, Sanzo?" Goku pulled away from Hakkai and moved toward the still, cold, form next to Sanzo.

"I gave it to him." Sanzo's voice was also flat; devoid of emotion or even inflection. He blinked and looked through his pockets for a cigarette.

"Why?" Goku had come to sit beside Gojyo, on the other side. Sanzo wanted to warn him not to look, not to see. But it didn't matter. Gojyo's face was not damaged by the force, his features were undistorted by the pressure of the bullet. The back of his head and the blanket beneath bore the signs Sanzo could smell what was there, he didn't need to see it. No one needed to see it, but Goku couldn't be completely protected from this, so Sanzo lit the cigarette he finally found.

"Why did you let him kill himself?" Goku wasn't looking at Sanzo. Hakkai had come and knelt along-side his best friend's body. He lowered himself slowly, near Sanzo, who still sat cross-legged at Gojyo's head. Hakkai moved as if to touch the quiet form, but then froze, his hand suspended.

"Sanzo?" Now Goku sounded irritated.

"What?" The priest had snapped back. What the hell did the monkey want him to say? What did he want Sanzo to do?

"Why did you let him shoot himself?"

"I had to help him hold the gun steady." Sanzo saw the expressions of horror, rage and confusion run over Goku's face. Hakkai drew in a harsh, pained, breath.

"Why would you do that?" Goku, asking and asking, hoping the next answer would make the earlier ones more palatable.

"Because he needed me to." Sanzo drew deeply on the cigarette. He stared down at Gojyo's face. He'd thought it a sick joke when he heard the dead described as "looking so peaceful" but now he understood. The ravages of pain and confusion and fear were gone. Gojyo wasn't trapped in that hell that his body had become. Sanzo just looked for a time.

Sanzo glanced up, Hakkai was still kneeling there, but had dropped his hand, it rested on Gojyo's cheek. The monk pushed himself up and moved away, lighting another cigarette. He noticed that Goku was trying to smooth Gojyo's hair, as if to hide the wound in the left side of his head. Hakkai moved, taking Sanzo's place.

Sanzo watched the other men mourn. They sat quietly, touching the cooling body. Suddenly Goku leaned forward and kissed Gojyo's forehead, the young man's body trembled. Hakkai reached over, clasping his shoulder and Sanzo heard Gojyo's request as if the man were there with him. "Let Hakkai have someone to fuss over." The act of comfort seemed to release something because Hakkai shifted and pressed his face to Gojyo's chest, now it was the healer who trembled as Goku awkwardly wrapped his arms around the shaking shoulders and tried to press his face to Hakkai's. They sat thus for several minutes and Sanzo smoked.

"Where will we bury him?" Goku sat up, sounding like a child seeking direction.

"MM, there." Sanzo pointed to the ground where Goku knelt.

"Why there?" Hakkai had also straightened up. Sanzo wasn't sure if there were tear tracks on his face, but his voice was calm.

"I told him we would." Sanzo shrugged and pulled the pathetic folding shovel from the supplies. He was fairly certain he had never touched the thing. Sanzo could hear Gojyo's laughter as he mocked the "almighty Sanzo doing physical labor".

"You told him where we would bury him?" Goku was again caught between horror and confusion. If the words had come from anyone other than his beloved Sanzo, the younger man would have attacked.

"It came up in conversation." Sanzo had finally managed to unfold the shovel and moved toward Goku. Seeing the other was still not certain he added; "Gojyo was worried he would make a mess. I assured him we could just dig the hole right here, tip him in it and scrape any stray bits in on top." Sanzo blew smoke at Goku's astounded face. "He seemed to appreciate it."

"I just bet he did." Hakkai's voice sounded odd and Sanzo braced. He was dealing two youkai, and they might not cope all that well with the assisted suicide of one of their brethren. Hell Hakkai might not be completely free of the drug.

Sanzo looked at Hakkai dismissively, his favored; "and you want to make what comment?" look.

"I can just hear that conversation." Hakkai was laughing. There were obvious tears on his face now, but he was laughing, the broken hoarse sobs of grief underneath, but honest laughter. "I'm glad you were there for him."

"Ch." Sanzo drew on his cigarette and tried to analyze the meaning in that statement. Goku looked just as confused, but went to sit next to Hakkai. That left Sanzo the designated space for the grave. He sighed and started to dig, glad the night was cool and pissed the smoke from the campfire was blowing in his eyes and blurring his vision.

Sanzo had lost track of time, he didn't even realize how much his hands were burning until Goku came and took the shovel from him. Sanzo drank the tea Hakkai gave him and sat again at the place next to Gojyo. It began a rotation, one walked or dozed, one shoveled and one sat vigil. The hours of the night faded into cool damp morning and Hakkai called gently; "That's good enough, Goku. Hand me the shovel." The healer pulled Goku from the grave and brushed the younger man off. "We'll wash our hands and have some tea." Hakkai was not making a suggestion. Sanzo rose stiffly and lit another cigarette, they were preparing for a funeral.

Gojyo was wrapped in the blanket he lay upon, it didn't cover him well. "We can't shovel dirt on his face." Goku was adamant.

"We'll put another blanket over him before then." Hakkai offered as reassurance. Sanzo forbear to point out that Gojyo really wouldn't care if there was dirt on his face. It wasn't actually his face anymore.

Was that part of the have nothing. Not even your body? Your mind? When you died it all ended. All that Gojyo was beyond flesh and muscle, and damned long, hair, all else was gone. As ephemeral as the sound that signified his death?

"Sanzo?" The monk looked at Hakkai. "I asked if you cared if we used this blanket in the grave."

Sanzo looked at the blanket. Why the hell would Hakkai think he would care? Gojyo would have cared. Sanzo cursed and drew on his cigarette, his eyes closed. He was tired suddenly, the soul deep tired that precluded sleep. "I don't give a damn Hakkai, if it suits you and the monkey, do it."

Sanzo suddenly found himself digging through the tangle in Gojyo's pack. He pulled out the Hi-lites and the ridiculous Zippo the kappa had won in a poker game. Carrying both to the graveside, he called out. "Hakkai, wait." At his feet, the healer crouched tucking the second blanket carefully around the still shape of one of their own. Gojyo's hands had been arranged on his chest and his hair carefully smoothed. By the grave Goku gave up all pretense and sobbed.

Hakkai was staring up at Sanzo, patient and puzzled. Sanzo looked at the single Hi-lite he'd shaken from the pack. When had he become an idiot? Without a word, he handed the cigarette over. Hakkai blinked for a second and Goku crept closer to look. Then Hakkai nodded once, an odd ghost of a smile flitted across his face. Carefully the single cigarette was placed in one stiffening hand, as if about to be raised and lit.

"No, wait." It was Goku running to his own pack and he returned with a worn deck of cards, which he passed over to Hakkai, almost defiantly. These were tucked carefully into a vest pocket. Hakkai rose and stared at the form, shrouded now.

"I have nothing." He spoke, as if unaware of the others. He looked up, puzzled, studying first Sanzo and then Goku.

"Do you need something to leave?" Goku's voice was soft, he'd returned to stand by Sanzo, not quite touching, but close enough. The priest considered but decided he was too tired to beat the younger man with a fan. He tried a few quelling looked but got nowhere. Sanzo tucked the cigarettes and lighter in his pocket. He would need them later.

"I feel like I should. . . now."

"Stay alive." Sanzo's voice was flat. "That's all he would want from you."

Hakkai nodded and offered his hands for the others to help pull him from the grave carefully. "It is all he would want from any of us," Hakkai suggested mildly.

Goku was now crouching by the grave, staring into the depths. Hakkai picked up the shovel and drew in a deep breath. "Sanzo, go and rest. I can finish this." Demon strength being greater than human went unsaid. But Sanzo ignored him and continued to stand, smoking and watching Hakkai carefully shovel in the first share of dirt.. Goku flinched as it smacked against the blanket. Hakkai set his jaw and repeated the action. Sanzo watched for a moment and realized the healer was careful not to allow the dirt to move too high, not to drop it on where the face lay beneath the frayed shroud.

Sanzo walked to the dirt and carefully lifted two handfuls. He crouched by Goku and sifted the dirt gently through his fingers so it fell lightly on the form beneath, tracing around the features. The monk had repeated the gestures a few times when he realized that both Goku and Hakkai had copied him.

They worked in silence for an unmeasured time when finally the body was obscured, an undefined mound. Sanzo, changed tasks. He picked up the shovel and without hesitation began to move dirt from the mound to the grave. Filling it in at the top. He'd worked for several minutes when Goku finally took the tool. "I can do it now."

Eventually the grave was filled in. Sanzo blinked at it, then turned to clean up. Hakkai made them food and tea. Sanzo ate, but knew nothing of what he took in.

"You don't. . . for. . ." Goku was puzzled as Sanzo carefully pulled on his robes of office, finally arranging the sutra over his shoulders.

"I don't say prayers for the dead. I will say one for Gojyo." Goku didn't understand, but Hakkai did. The green-eyed man had begun to pack things up, preparing to load up when Hakaryuu changed. They would not sleep in this place another night.

"Should we mark it?" Goku drew his hands over the log. He sat where they had waged the war to save Gojyo from pain and fear for three long days and nights.

"No." Hakkai came to stand by Goku and they waited. Sanzo offered words, words and ritual to remind the three who lived that life continued and they had to walk forward from this place alone. But the one they left behind was free of pain, free of fear, free of loneliness, so it was all right to leave his body beneath the earth.

Before the end of the words, they heard the dragons. In the last days of the hopeless battle for Gojyo's life, they had become familiar with the enemy turned comrade, so they remained motionless until the last words died away.

"Gojyo?" Doukouji ran forward. "Where the hell is my brother? What happened?" Yaone, behind him, covered her mouth as tears slipped down her cheeks.

"Doukouji," Kougaji caught his arm.

Sanzo turned. "Are you blind?"

"You self important son of a bitch!" Doukouji was held only by habit and history as he raged at the monk. "What the hell happened?"

"He shot himself." Sanzo began to move toward the pile of luggage. "Hakkai, Goku, there's nothing for us here."

Doukouji was now being held by his lord. The youkai was mad with rage and tears streaked his face. He was beyond words wanting only to target all his pain on the monk so coolly walking away.

Hakkai was immobile staring at Yaone. "What have you brought?" Sanzo stopped. Gods if that bitch had a cure, a salvation he'd shoot her. Turning back the monk remained impassive as they all waited for her answer.

"We were coming to take him back with us." Yaone looked at the ground. "We could care for him. Help him."

"Feed him off a spoon and wipe his ass?" Sanzo lit a cigarette. "Take him to be a duty and appease your consciences?"

"He's my brother. I have-I had the right to take care of him!"

"To atone?" Sanzo was walking again.

"How did he shoot himself?" Doukouji had broken from Kougaji and was challenging the monk. Hakaryuu was now in jeep form and Hakkai and Goku began to lift the luggage. They were numb unable to care about the angry words behind them.

"He couldn't hold a bowl, how did he get a gun and shoot himself with it?"

"I held it for him. He pulled the trigger." Sanzo turned toward Doukouji. Carefully the monk flicked his cigarette ashes away, lifted his eyebrows and waited.

"You killed him!" Doukouji flung himself forward and Sanzo didn't flinch. He sure as hell didn't pull that twice-damned gun from his robes. He didn't want to feel it in his hands. And he certainly didn't want to point it at Gojyo's brother. Kougaji made sure he didn't have to.

"Doukouji." The simple cold command froze the larger man. "We had a nice room and servants to wait on him. And we offered him a prison. A prison of his broken body."

"I should. . . He was my brother." Doukouji challenged Sanzo and the rage finally rose.

"His brother. Umm. Shall I tell you his last words?" Goku and Hakkai came to him then, waiting. "We lay there, face to face, my gun held to his head. . ." in the back of his mind, Sanzo was surprised to find his throat full and tight. "Gojyo told me that; we are a fucked up crew, at each other's throats most of the time, but when it counts, you have my back. That's family." Sanzo felt all the. . . wordless force. . . well out. "Then he pulled the trigger."

Sanzo ground out his cigarette as Yaone sobbed loudly. Absently he considered offering Kougaji the fan, but suspected the youkai leader would decline. "We didn't mark the grave. As his brother you can have that right." Sanzo spun on his heel. "Come on, there's nothing for us here."

They were in the jeep moving away when Goku suddenly said; "Sanzo?"

"Yes?"

"The back of the jeep. It's too big."

"We'll ask Hakaryuu to go on a diet."

"I mean. . ." the young man obviously searched for words and Sanzo braced himself. "It's too. . . full of empty."

There was silence and Sanzo felt Hakkai next him tense, relax and tense again. "I think the whole jeep feels too full of empty," the healer noted at length.

Sanzo pulled out another Hi-Lite and lit it. He wasn't surprised when Hakkai took it from him after a few draws. The other man inhaled a few times. Driving slowly while he released the grey- blue smoke, he held out the cigarette. When Goku leaned forward to take a turn Sanzo only shrugged. The youth managed to draw on the cigarette without gasping. The smoke returned to Sanzo and he considered the late afternoon sky. "I think, for a while, everything will be too full of empty."


End file.
